a time when I sedate myself

valentina citra
4 min readNov 18, 2023
Photo by Becca Schultz on Unsplash

“I prescribed you a medicine. Take this medicine only when the symptoms appear.”

I nodded, took the prescription, and went to the pharmacy.

There was a time.

A time when the voices in my head get louder and louder. And louder. And way louder until it drowns the uproar that surrounds me. Those voices need to shut up for real.

A time when I woke up feeling unenergetic and dull. Do not want to leave my bed, but I wasn’t born as old money so I don’t have the privilege where I don’t have to go to work. In the end, I run my day in auto-pilot mode.

A time when I eat something because I need to eat. I cannot get sick. But I also cannot enjoy everything that goes through my mouth. The savory, sweet, sour, spicy, and other tastes do not please me. Eating becomes something I am obligated to do, not something I take contentment from.

A time when I stayed up all night. 3 am wide awake, but I have a job at 7 am. I toss around my bed, read a book, meditate, having white noises to accompany me but I still cannot rest my body, let alone my mind.

A time when I looked up at the bright sky above me. I was admiring the color and its vastness. But seconds later I look down and imagine what would happen if I just threw myself from this high building. What’s gonna happen next after my skull and bones crack? Will I survive? Or not?

A time when I look at the knife or cutter for seconds longer. I wondered what if I inflict some pain with those things so I could at least feel something. To see my blood dripping and see how far I could go.

A time when I feel extremely lazy to clean up my room. Neglecting the clothes that are piling up, the used shot glass reeks of alcohol, the leftovers from last night’s takeaway (sealed, of course), and the other mess in my room. My room is a mess and so is my mind.

A time when I lost interest in everything. I no longer find excitement in my hobbies. But when I look at those people who do their hobby passionately, I envy them. I wanna be like them, too. But what is this force that prevents me from doing so?

A time when everything surrounding me overwhelms me. Too bright, too loud, too many people that I became nervous. I couldn’t set my feet right on the ground, I couldn’t move my hands. My heart beats faster like someone is chasing me down. My breathing was rapid.

A time when the sadness was just too much and ended up in two things. It’s either me crying because the pain is insufferable or blankly staring at the wall or ceiling since the pain was just too painful.

There’s always a time.

Then I looked at the tiny pills on the table. The one that was prescribed by my doctor. She said those little orange pills could help me. So I took one pill and drank the water.

One minute, five minutes. I felt nothing and started to wonder do those pills really work? Or is it just a placebo?

But then, drowsiness started to creep in. Slowly, everything faded out. Those moving lips said things I could not hear clearly like they spoke underwater. My head and eyelids felt heavy. It really feels like I’m drowning.

The next thing I knew, I was diving into a deep sleep for 12 hours. There was no waking up in the middle of sleep. Even the slightest sound or loud voices cannot disturb me. Oh, this is nice. Feels like I’m compensating for those thousands of sleepless nights.

This is…nice? I just dislike the after-effects. I was sleeping like a dead man. The calls from my mom were abandoned. Five times. And I’m sure she’d be mad at me for not picking up.

I wanted to block the sun rays that seeped through my window and change the curtain with the window blind. Usually, I love the morning light but this time I felt annoyed. But I enjoyed the humming sound of the air-con more.

My best friend sent me a message. I really wanted to text her a reply but my fingers were so heavy, so I let it be. She’d understand.

Thirsty. I felt so thirsty when I woke up. Mind you, I’ve had enough daily intake of water. But what is this? When I drank, I couldn’t feel my teeth.

Needed to go to the bathroom. I got up and almost fell because I lost my balance. Every step that I made felt unreal like I never really set up my feet on the floor but I knew I wasn’t floating.

Oh my God, this is worse than the hangover, I thought. Sadly, that was the bargain I needed to make for some peace.

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valentina citra

a living mayhem with wandering mind | write in ina / eng | @aleviannt_