exploiting the heartbreak
Heartbreak is never easy.
Sometimes, I think the term heartbreak doesn’t suit the pain at all. Because sometimes your heart isn’t just break into a half, sometimes it’s shattered to pieces until its form is unrecognized, broken beyond repair, and the damage probably did something to your soul. And when the pain of heartbreak comes, everyone deal with it in different ways.
Some people dealing with heartbreak by eat a lot or eat more less, by starting to exercise or holed up in their room, by crying out loud or drown theirselves in daily hustles, by chugging alcohol or find comfort in friends’ hug, by telling people about the pain or keep it to theirselves. Some even doesn’t have a chance to mourn, they just live their life with a huge hole in their heart, carrying the pain or trauma for the rest of their lives. Probably they realize that maybe they’ll never love again the same.
Anyway, it’s not my place — even our place — to judge. Because no matter how hard I try to put myself in their shoes, their pain will never be mine truly. All that I can do is to be there. And it’d be good if I can ease their pain, eventhough just a bit.
In my case, I cried a lot when I had my heartbreak. Breaking a stigma that I’m an emotionless person with no heart, only consist of brain with no heart. I cried and cried and cried until it was difficult to breath but the pain was still there as if it’s mocking me.
The pain was unbearable eventhough I’ve cried a lot. It didn’t want to go and I started to think that I’d never heal. Then one day, I began to write. It started out as one writing, but now that I compile it, the number has reached thirty. A number I never imagined before.
At the first time, it felt good to pour out my pain in the form of line of words. But I also worried, to be honest — worried about what people might think about me. Some people might call me as someone who isn’t able to move on, someone who is not good enough and just bitter about her ex, etc. I listened to those voices at the beginning, then my friend told me to not give a damn about that. Because if it makes me better, then just do it.
Well, she’s right. Fuck with other might say, I just want to occupy myself while I’m dealing with the heartbreak in a way that do no harm. I just want to drain the pain so later I could breath, sleep, and live in ease. So in other word, I’m just simply exploiting my heartbreak.
It’d be great if I got money as the compensation for exploiting my heartbreak like Taylor Swift or getting a fame like Franz Kafka. But for now, it only gives me ease, make me easier to live with a crumpled heart, and a coping mechanism for myself to heal. And that’s enough, for now. Maybe I’m done exploiting it.
For you who experience the heartbreak, let it all out. Exploit the sadness, pain, and grief all the way you want. May your breath becomes lighter after doing so, may exploiting the heartbreak could reshape your heart in a better form.